Mom and I had always lived alone in a cramped two-room apartment on the wrong side of Haldon Falls. We barely had enough for ourselves most months. I had no real idea where my father was, and by the time I was old enough to ask, Mom had made it clear the subject wasn't open for discussion.
Then, suddenly, there were three of us.
One evening when I was seven, Mom came home holding the hand of a thin, watchful girl clutching a plastic grocery bag stuffed with clothes.
"This is Tessa," Mom said. "She's your sister now."
That was the entire explanation I got.
◆ ◆ ◆
Tessa took the bed by the window, the larger slice of whatever pie we managed that week, and — this is the one I remember with the most childish fury, even now — the red winter coat I'd been begging Mom for since October.
Whenever Tessa had nightmares, and she had a great many of them those first few months, Mom sat beside her bed until morning. Meanwhile, I lay awake on the other side of our shared wall, furious that some stranger had somehow become more important to my own mother than I was.
Once, not long after Tessa arrived, I pressed my ear against Mom's locked bedroom door and heard the two of them whispering.
"What if she finds out someday?" Tessa asked, her voice small.
"Not from us," Mom said, sharp in a way I rarely heard from her. "She can never know."
When I confronted them the next morning, Mom told me they'd only been discussing Tessa's adoption paperwork.
I didn't believe her. I was seven, not stupid.
◆ ◆ ◆
The secrets between them never really stopped after that. Whenever I walked into a room, conversations died mid-sentence. When they thought I was asleep, I'd hear the low murmur of their voices drifting from the kitchen, sometimes past midnight.
I was jealous. Terribly, embarrassingly jealous, in the particular way only a lonely only-child-turned-middle-child can manage.
At first, I hated Tessa for all of it — the coat, the pie, the nightmares that stole my mother's attention, the whispered secrets I was never allowed inside of.
But Tessa was relentlessly gentle with me, even when I gave her every reason not to be. She covered for me the two times I missed curfew as a teenager. She held my hair back the night I got violently sick after my first questionable party. When I left for college with two suitcases and not much else, she slipped a folded twenty-dollar bill into my jacket pocket, even though I knew, better than anyone, that she had almost nothing to spare.
Somewhere in those years, without my ever quite noticing the exact moment it happened, she stopped feeling like a stranger who'd been forced into my life.
She became my sister. Not the adopted one. Just my sister.
◆ ◆ ◆
After I moved two states away for work, Tessa stayed behind in Haldon Falls to care for Mom, whose health had started its long, slow decline sometime in her late sixties. I called every Sunday. I visited when I could, which was never quite as often as I meant to.
When Mom died this spring, I came home expecting the two of us to simply grieve together, the way sisters do.
Instead, Tessa barely spoke all evening. I tried to comfort her, tried the usual things — a hand on her shoulder, quiet company instead of forced conversation — but I could tell whatever was sitting behind her eyes went beyond ordinary grief.